*puts on lifejacket* i am ready for intercourse


welcome to The Accidental Shipping Club, where our motto is “I never meant for this to happen to me”




wtf you mean real women have curves? all women are real women



  • tumblr: omg look at this sex god
  • me: he has the appeal of a wet potato chip

Insanity today at the Gym…


So story time:


This is what I wore to the gym today. Under Amour shorts and a loose Under Armour shirt. So this girl and her husband walk in to the gym (I use the small gym at my apartment complex except on my weekends when I go to 24 hour), so I smile and she gives me this dirty ass look back. I ignore it and do my next set. She leaves a few minutes but her hubby stays on the treadmill. After my set I see one of the complex managers come in and she starts saying I’m openly making sexual advances (I guess the smile) and that I am wearing ‘provocative clothing’. My first response was “what”. She says that it’s inappropriate that my dick is visible in my shorts.

My response came out like word vomit “well what the hell do you call your nipples. I don’t want to see that. I feel like I’m being forced to stare at your boobs when I don’t want to. I feel extremely harassed because you felt that an over shirt was unnecessary over your sports bra. I also feel like you viewed me as a sexual object and since your husband is here that made you uncomfortable (going full Tumblr SJW rage mode).”
She got indignant and said “women can’t objectify men, that only works the other way around, and I don’t appreciate you staring at my nipples”

Me: “It totally works both ways. You came in here and saw penis before you saw dude working out. You didn’t see my workout plan. You don’t know if I’m lifting then biking after, or running. You don’t see that maybe this was all that was clean. You simply saw dick and got all bent out of shape. You saw me as an organ, and nothing more

Her: I don’t want to see a penis when I’m with my husband

Me: and I don’t want to see off the shelf tits when I’m working out, so we are both out of our comfort zone.

Manager: look, you guys just need to separate.

Her: but I don’t want him in the gym

Manager: he’s a resident; he pays for this gym just like you do. Your story is simply that he smiled and hit on you and it made you uncomfortable but I seriously doubt he hit on you and the smile was with any ill intent

Me: Last time I’m nice to you lady

Manager: look there are two of you, just go to separate sides of the gym. : Points at me: you go Lift: points to her: you go work out with your husband.

Her: I’m not going to be marginalized. I should have free unrestricted access to the gym. And if some man wants to make sexual advances….

Husband: Honey he’s gay, he would rather hit on me than you, will you just drop it please.

Her: look of death at both of us:

Me: Well he’s right; I’m less interested in your tits than I am in the nature of concrete curing. Actually I prefer the concrete, that’s actually interesting. Boobs are just fat or silicone if we include present company.

Manager: Chris just stop, go back to lifting.

So I walk away.

She keeps arguing but I’m laughing and decide to start texting Jason and sharing the insanity. The better part: This isn’t the first time she been a bitch to me. She was super cunty at 24 hour fitness when I was in the steam room with her husband. The best part: me and her husband were playing jerk off games of “you show me yers I’ll show you mine” and getting hard. She got all bent out of shape about a smile then too, but we didn’t involve management. This time the insanity ramped up to 11.

I hate when sequel to an animated movie is made, but they don’t get the same voice actors and you can’t really even enjoy the movie because you’re just sitting there thinking “THAT’S NOT MUSHU, IT’S A LIE!!”


you would think the scariest thing about the x-files would be the monsters or the demons or the ghosts or whatever but no, the scariest thing is actually the group of old white men who control everything and i think that’s really telling


I. love. the. Anaconda. video. but the writeups I’ve been seeing keep referring to Drake as a co-star, which I think misses a big part of the point.

The reason this video rules is because Drake is an extra. Drake is a prop. Drake is a bro in the comfy-casual clothes that he rolled up to the set in, who has no lines or purpose other than the be ground upon, and whose face is obscured by shadows most of the time.

This is not a continuation of the Drake/Nicki/Rih media narrative. This is a dank-as-fuck feminist power play. This is, “Drake is whatever to me.” And this is a man who, if he isn’t at the top of his game, is close to it. A huge celebrity, and here is Nicki looking fucking amazing, tormenting him into a boner, then swatting his hand away and walking out of frame.

Your anaconda don’t want none unless she got buns, hun? Maybe she doesn’t want your anaconda. Maybe she’ll do whatever the fuck she wants with her buns, and it doesn’t matter what you think or feel.


drake lookin like the booty changed his life forever

lookin like he found the key to the universe in nicki’s booty


"u dont need makeup to be pretty just be urself!!!"

ok but consider this

  • i fucking love eyeliner


being rude to service staff is #1 indicator that someone is garbage


Me when I’m forced to go anywhere.


Me when I’m forced to go anywhere.


happy birthday you adorable asshole